Payback
by The Dom and The Dummy Crew
Summary: Harry is busted...Ron is high...Hagrid's secret is revealed...A restraining order...A fart......An explosion...David Ortiz...Stan and Voldy...Dean's baby...A red haired drugged up Mrs. Weasley...Boyfriend Bill...This story is written by Dom, so don't expe
1. IT

(A/N) This is a fic done by Dom

Harry Potter was walking across the grounds of Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, hoping that Hagrid still had it.

Two days before, Malfoy had posted an article in the Daily Prophet(thanks to Reeter Skeeter) saying that he saw Harry and Ron making out in the girls bathroom. Word had spread all around Hogwarts, and soon the teachers were even taunting him. Of course, this wasn't true.  
Why would Harry make out with Ron in the GIRL'S bathroom. They were actually in the boy's room.  
But it wasn't his fault. I mean Ron when I say HIS fault. Ron had snorted too much floo powder earlier. Harry was in it for the-  
Well, you, the reader, get it. So, Harry HAD made out with Ron, but the rest was lies. Anyway, why would Malfoy be in the GIRL's room.

Harry stared at who was at Hagrid's hut. All he could hear was Dumbedore's voice yelling "You can't have that here! What if it-", but the voice was cut off when he heard "Harry!"  
Harry turned around, pulling out his wand, as id ready to fire. But it turned out to be Ron with a restraining order.  
"Sign here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and that's it-wait, no, I still need a urine sample." Ron said.  
"Why would you need that?" Harry asked.  
"The urine sample is just so-"  
"No, why do I need to sign. I like having urine samples taken. Especially if they're for men." Harry said, with a devilish grinn on his face.  
"Do you really want me to make this 200 foot restraining order to be for 300?" Ron asked, pointing to the paragraph where it said 200.  
"Oh, you're a fiesty one, are you?" Harry said, licking his lips.  
"Oh, bloody hell!" Ron said, turning his heat and covering his eyes.

Harry tried to get back at Malfoy, but every time he just ended up getting hung upside down with no pants on and Snape's sock in his mouth. Pictures of this were posted all over the school.  
Malfoy did get in trouble, but of course he somehow got out of it each time. Once he said Harry did it to himself, just so he could stir up some attention.  
Harry was called to Snape's office after Malfoy told him this, and he made Harry tell the truth. Snape found that Harry hadn't done it: this time. Harry had done this once before, but they were private pictures then  
Malfoy had hung him forty-seven times in the next two days.

Harry told Ron that he had to go to Hagrid's hut to see if he still had it. Ron didn't understand what "IT" was, so he slapped Harry across the face and called him dirty names.

Harry was used to this at home. Dudley liked to torture him. Dudley smacked his so hard with a golf club that he went gay. And I don't mean happy.

Harry waited behind a pumpkin until Hagrid's visitors left. When they came out, Harry ran in. As he sprinted in the doorway, Hagrid closed the door, and it made a big cut across Harry's face.  
Harry fell in slow motion, as a drunken mime would. He didn't get up for six weeks.  
When he woke up from hibernation, Harry ran into Hagrid's small, round house (hut). As he went in, he took a glimpse around.  
"I was wondering, Hagrid, if you had the-" Harry began to say, but Hagrid just pointed under his bed and said "Of Course, 'Arry."  
Harry looked down.  
"Two things, Hagrid: One, I was looking for your flobberworm: Two, Why do you have a nuclear warhead under your bed?"

(A/N) R/R please, flames are still accepted.


	2. Fart That Killed Hagrid and Not Harry

Hagrid jumped on the bed, covering the weapon of mass destruction from view.  
"Wha' bomb, 'Arry?" he asked, with a look of panic on his face. 

"The bomb that is under your bed and is heat sensitive.

But just at that moment, Hagrid farted.  
In the common room, Hermione was watching Blind Date 3, when she thought about her first kiss. She remembered how wonderful it was. But she still wanted to know what kissing a boy was like...

The hut started filling up with the gross gas. All that you could hear was the ticking of the explosive. You couldn't even hear Hagrid and Harry screaming, but that was probably because they couldn't breath.

When Hagrid had enough energy to speak, he yelled "'Arry, jump out the window!"

"Oh, do I have too?" Harry asked with a sigh.

But before Harry could say another word, Hagrid threw him out the window.

Harry hit the hard ground, not remembering where he was. He suddenly remembered, and saw Hagrid getting a running start to jump through his window. Harry rolled across the grass, not wanting to be hit by the half giant. As Hagrid went through, he got caught.

"Go, 'Arry!" Hagrid yelled at him. The ticking of the bomb was very quick now.

Harry got up, took one last look at the hut (which was now blowing Hagrid's passed gas out of the chiminey. He walked away, not saying anything to Hagrid.

He wondered why he had even talked to Hagrid for the past few years of his life (he had gotten hit in the heat with a bludger the previouse year, which erased his memory from when he was born to then).

The hut blew up, and Hagrid's head flew through the headmaster's office. He didn't notice anything because he was so intreuged by Backyard Wrestling 2..

He wasn't in a hurry to tell Hermione that Hagrid had died in a freak explosion caused by a fart. When he walked through the overlarge doors, everybody who was eating breakfast stopped and stared. He knew what they were staring at: He had forgotten his pants.

The laughter started. Harry ran. He ran past the quiddich stands. He ran past King's Cross. He ran past the Eifel Tower. He ran past the Atlantic Ocean. He ran past the Bourne Bridge. He ran past Fenway Park.

Just at that moment, David Ortiz hit an outside the park home run.

The ball came down. Harry didn't notice. It hit him in the head, and he forgot everything. For real this time.

Harry Potter was in Boston, Massachusetts. He had no idea where he was. He had nobody to help him. He had no friends. Actually, he never did, but that's not the point. And the worst thing was, he didn't have his pants.

To be Continued If I Get Some Reviews...


	3. You're That Guy!

No Pants.  
Harry's mind glided across a lake of thoughts, just as a bowling ball wouldn't. He didn't know how to get home, or where that was. Even worse, he couldn't remember the size of his pants, so he couldn't get a new pair.  
Suddenly, he saw a light. A light that only wizards see. A purple bus was speeding towards him. He thought it was a light from heavan.  
The Knight Bus came closer, closer.  
SPLAT!  
The bus drove over Harry, leaving a scar on his forehead in the shape of a lightning bolt. He couldn't see anything. When his vision came back, he saw a red dot in front of him.  
"Moley moley moley!" Harry screamed in a voice which sounded like the death moo of a constipated cow.  
"No you moron, it's a bloody pimple. And yes, I have tried-". Stan Shunpike, the Knight Bus guy, was cut off in mid sentene.  
"Yes, you have tried to...fart on a nuclear warhead?" Harry questioned, having an odd flash back.  
"Let me finish so I can go help Voldemort regain power and kill some gay kid named Harry Potter that we found on the internet. Yes, I have tried to get rid of it"  
"You've tried to get rid of what, your mole"  
"SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP BEFORE I SHANK YOU"  
"Okay." Harry said, winking at Stan and giving him a piece of parchment that had his telephone number on it.  
"Wait just one bloody moment. I know who you are." Stan said, squinting his eyes, trying to look mysteriouse.  
"Yes, please tell me!" Harry said.  
"You're that guy that I'm supposed to kill"  
"I'm Harry Potter?" Harry asked, looking puzzled.  
"No, that's who Voldemort wants to kill. I'm talking about the person my mom wants to kill"  
"Go fish?" Harry said, looking quite puzzled like always.  
"No, you're that guy from Queer Eye For The Strait Guy"  
"Who is this person you speak of?" Harry asked, slowly moving his hands towards Stan's pants so he could steal them.  
Harry said very loudly "I am a cannibal. Give me your pants." He ripped them off Stan's bottom half, finding that Stan had been going commando.  
Again, he ran away from the horror. But not before he put on the pants. He ran back past Fenway Park, past the Bourne Bridge, past the Atlantic Ocean, past the Eifel Tower, past the quidditch stands, all the way into a wall at Hogwarts. The blow made his memory come back.  
He looked around. It was one of the only walls left standing. The air was misty and grey, and He found that he had been stepping on a skeleton. He wiped it off of his shoe. He turned, to find Dean Thomas crying on Hermione's shoulder.  
"What happened?" Harry yelled.  
Hermione answered "It was terrible. Dean's goldfish died"  
"No, what happened to school? Did the bomb blow it up"  
"What bomb? Hagrid just farted"  
To Be Continued If I Get Some Good Reviews... 


	4. Apparation Kills One Of The Gay Kids

"Okay...So I guess we're going to have to recivilize the planet..." Harry Potter said, lookking at his feet, which were moving around nervousley.  
"I'm out." Hermione said, lookling disgusted.  
"Well, that leaves me and Dean, then!" Harry said anxiousely.  
Dean backed up, the same look that Hermione had on her face.  
"Well, then who should we call?" Hermione asked, changing the subject.  
"Ghost Busters!" Harry and Dean yelled. They started prancing around humming the tune to Ghost Busters.  
"No, you idiots! We call the Minestry of Magic! They can help.  
"I think I"  
Hermione made a disturbing noise.  
"one of them before. Don't go there. They bite..." Harry said, looking frightened.  
"Let's take the Knight Bus!" Hermione said.  
"No thanks. That guy wants to kill me." Harry said.  
"Lets fly a hippogriff!" Dean offered.  
"Now where would we get a hippogriff?" Hermione questioned, looking annoyed at the two boys-I mean ONE boy and one shim.  
"My pants...ha...hahahahahahahaha...poopy!" Dean said.  
Harry and Dean started prancing around again.  
Hermione apparated.  
"How the bloody hell did she do that?" Dean asked, looking puzzled.  
Hermione came back.  
"I'm not on school grounds. See? There's no school!" Hermione said, smiling.  
"Let's all cuddle! Then we can all apparate!" Harry said.  
"You mean, HUDDLE. Then we can apparate." Hermione said.  
Harry looked disapointed because they weren't going to cuddle.  
They all got close to eachother.  
Suddenly, Harry felt as if he were high on floo powder. He saw blury monsters and shadows all around him. But they still were on Earth.  
"WHO ARE ALL OF THESE MONSTERS?" Harry screamed, closing his eyes.  
"Harry, calm down!" Hermione said, "It's just the Dursleys flying past us in a contiuose time warp of Earth"  
Harry didn't understand.  
"In other words, Harry, we're flying past the Dursly's house. They just look big to you, though." Hermione said, looking at them. "Never mind. They look big to me, too. I guess they just ate a lot of cake"  
"Well, I haven't seen them in three years because I've been living at the mental institute during the summer." Harry said.  
Dean hadn't said a word.  
"Hey Dean, are you okay?" Hermione asked, looking over to nothing. He wasn't there.  
"Oh, shi-"

Just then, Dean fell through the roof of the Dursley's home.  
"Not another! That's the third drunken redneck who has fallen through the roof this week!" Vernon said. "Put him in the steam room. Boil him until there are no remains, Petunia. I'm to fat and lazy to do it myself"  
The tall woman craned her neck into the room. "The steam room is broken, dear. But I forgot to go to the store this week, so do you think that if we paint him pink and put him on Dudley's plate, that Dudley will believe that it is ham?  
"Of course, you bloody albino-I mean, WIFE." Vernon said without any expresion.

Hermione and Harry landed outside of a phone booth. 


	5. Alfred

"Harry, get in the phone booth with me!" Hermione yelled.  
"No, girls have cooties!" Harry said, disguisted.  
"Just becuase I have a few diseases doesn't mean that I'll hurt you." Hermione hollered.  
Harry got in, with a frightened look on his face.  
The booth slowly started to move down.  
"I wonder why we didn't have to put in a number, or give them our names." Hermione said.  
"Yeah, and I saw the Knight Bus and a car that had the Dark Mark on it." Harry replied, looking casuale.  
"WHAT?" Hermione screamed.  
"What, it was probably just Voldemort and Stan"  
"Okay, before we die, Harry, which we will, I just want to say that, that..." Hermione began.  
"That you love me?" Harry tried to finish.  
"No,you-" Hermione said, but suddenly they came to a halt.  
The door swung open. Harry could see the man at the desk, who was hog tied.  
"It looks safe with the guy tied up!" Harry said, taking a step. Hermione's hand reached out and grabbed his shoulder.  
"I won't let you go," Hermione said, tears running down her cheek "without saying that I am pregnant. With Dean's baby"  
"I was wondering why you were so fat." Harry said with a chuckle.  
"Will you tell Dean that I love him if I don't make it out?" Hermione asked with big eyes.  
"Why are you asking me?" One, I'm not going to make it out, and two, Dean's an idiot, and has the same chance of living that we do. I didn't die because when I was put in the boiler room, a little pink elephant came and rescued me. Wee!  
Harry ran out of the booth. Hermione sadly followed.

Harry lead them both to the bathroom.  
"I have to go poopy!" Harry said, knees bent inward.

Just at that moment, Dean started prancind around, just as Harry did.

After Harry's dancing spree ended, he went in the stall.  
You could hear pushes, and the occasional "I don't remember eating corn"  
When Harry came out, he remembered that when he went to the bathroom, he hadn't pulled down his pants.  
Harry had begged Hermione to let him wear her pants because he normally wore womens pants. She didn't let him.

Later.  
Hermione and Harry were in the bathroom.

Later.  
Hermione and Harry were still in the bathroom.

Nine momthsLater.  
Hermione and Harry were still in the bathroom. They were in the bathroom for so long that Hermione had her baby in there.  
His name was Alfred.  
Hermione gave Alfred her pants for a blanket.  
"Oh, so you'll give your one and only son your pants, but not me?" Harry yelled.  
"Yes..." Hermione answered.

They finally got out, and found Stan and Voldemort waiting for them at the desk.  
Hermione put Alfred in a shelf in the desk.

Of course, Hermione was smarter, so they took her out of the battle first so she couldn't make a plan. Harry thought that he was the best wizard ever, and tried to look fancy by closing his eyes when he aimed his spells. He hit a huge window.  
The glass came down and killed both Stan and Voldemort, which was wery awkward and probably makes you, the reader, very bored. That's cool, because the rest of the story is awsome.

To Be Continued Once I take A Crap And Write The Rest... 


	6. The Paparazzi Strikes Again!

Voldemort's last words were "And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids"  
Harry walked over to Voldemort and Stan, and looked at their dead bodies. Harry pulled a tube of lipstick out of a purse that just magicly appeared. Actually, he stole it from Hermione.  
He put the fire truck red lipstick to his lips, and rubbed it on. He then puckered them. The result looked like Jason had just come with his chain saw and attempted to cut off Harry's face.  
Lower. Lower. Lower Harry went. He was an inch away from Voldemort's face. He closed his eyes, and bent over more, until he was kissing the Dark Lord.  
Boom!  
Harry flew across the room. He heard Hermione yell at him while he was airborne "Did you think I wouldn't notice that you stole my underwear off my body? That's not cool Harry! Now I'll I have on is my athletic cup"  
Harry looked at the cup.  
"Hermione, that's not an athletic cup. That's my mom's soup bowl." Harry said, lying to her.  
"No it's not!" Harry burst out laughing and started prancing around.  
"Let's just get out of here. I don't want to get hurt any more. Even if this is the Ministry of Magic!" Hermione said, puting her thong back on.  
They both walked into the phone booth and went up...

Back at the ranch (which in this case is the Burrow, Molly Weasley was watching Blind Date 3 when she heard a knock at the door.  
Harry and Hermione had a plan. They would ring the door bell, and load the air around the door with drugs. Then, they would climb through a window, and steal all the food that they could. They would then get a portkey (which they were almost certain the Weasleys had) and would transport to the Dursley's to save Ron-I mean, Dean. After Hermione's blow back at the Ministry, she didn't remember that she could apparate.  
Hermione through the crack into the air and ran away with Harry. Molly walked out, and after three seconds, had a seizure.  
As the duo climbed the window, Molly woke up from the coma that she had gone into. Harry and Hermione ran through the house, and finally found the refridgerator. Hermione swung the door open. Harry looked inside with delight.  
"Rat poison. Maybe it'll kill Ron. I never realy liked him. I was just in it for the-" Harry started to say, but then Molly's shadow appeared in the doorway.  
Harry and Hermione hid. Hermione stuffed herself under a couch cusion. Harry put a lamp shade over his head.  
Molly walked in and stared at the "lamp.  
"I didn't know that we had a Harry Potter lamp. It looks so real..." She looked at the couch cusion, which was perfectly hiding Hermione. "HERMIONE GRANGER!" she yelled. Hermione jumped up, and drop kicked the red haired woman. Harry and Hermione jumped out of a window. Hermione landed on the grass. Harry landed on Bill.  
"Harry, don't you think we should go on a date first?" Bill said.  
Harry ran away from him. Hermione followed.  
Three minutes after Molly had been knocked out, she woke up, and said "I was out for three minutes, and they stole my pants. Damn Paparazzi"  
But of course, Harry stole them.  
"Harry, we forgot the portkey!" Hermione yelled.  
"Yeah, about that..." Harry said, pulling out a boot that was urinated on.  
"Uhhh..." Hermione said, with a strange look on her face.  
"I know, I'm sorry about the portkey." Harry said.  
"Not that!" Hermione said, "WE FORGOT ALFRED!" 


End file.
